Today, I was talking with a friend about loneliness. Not the type of loneliness that leads to blog writing on a Friday night *ahem*, but that existential loneliness that creeps up temps a temps to smack one upset the head. The kind of loneliness that Valentine's Day seems to have been created to eradicate.
I know, I know, call me a cynic (ah, ah, ah, I am healing from that condition), but doesn't it strike you as a mite bit suspicious that smack-dab in the middle of winter
(no matter how unseasonably warm it's been), we celebrate this thing called Valentine's Day? Oh, I get it, sure, I'll buy some jerk-off some cards, candy or $700 boots, only to have them lie, cheat and be an all-around a-hole? yeah, that sounds good...bitter: they name is woman.
Beyond that, we're in like, an economic crisis or something, but love will save the day, right? Right? RIGHT?????!!! At least, for a day. Possibly maybe. Probably not. But back to this loneliness. It's possible to feel this loneliness, or longing, that has noting to do with Eros, with romantic love, and still be incredibly content, happy and joyous. I'm one of those people for whom romantic love has always been the pinnacle of existence. I lived, blinded by love, as it were.
I'm not hating. When people are in love and experiencing that true partnership with another human being, it's absolutely inspiring and lovely, In fact, the love extends beyond the partners to encompass everyone in the lives of the couple. I've been more desperate in love than I'd like to admit, yet, that feels like a kind of phase I had to encounter in order to see how much it really didn't work.
We certainly need more genuine love, loving-kindness, compassion, generosity and true care in the world. We don't need more rageful, jealous fits ending in violence, boy-meets-girl romances, lies, manipulation and co-dependent patsies in the world. It's hard to come by, this true love, which is extended to all without demand for anything back. Co-emergent with it is this existential loneliness, this knowledge that all the things I have or think I have cannot ease the ache, the longing.
Gratefully, humor provides much relief. Humor and really good music. In honor of both and of St. Valentine, I offer you these. Enjoy!
Teen Girl Squad
Friday, February 13, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Happy Five Years Shante
As of February 2009, I have been out of all cancer treatments for 5 years. I know I have been celebrating this 5 year anniversary for months, but here's the breakdown:
September 3, 2008-5 year anniversary of my diagnosis
October 1, 2008- 5 year anniversary of my mastectomy
February 1, 2009- 5 year anniversary of end of chemo
So all of my treatment is done and it's been 5 years, uhh, what does that mean?
It's the 5 year survival rate. I had Stage 1 breast cancer, so I have good odds of not kicking the bucket for a while due to cancer. I am a very, very, very blessed and lucky woman. I don't talk much about my cancer because it's become this very present reality to me, almost like a friend, a mundane reality...not that I don't take it seriously, or even get scurred sometimes, but it doesn't rule my life, nor do I live in fear of my death.
So to honor my survival and thriving, a poem:
A few pounds of flesh
taken for granted.
Mouths that caressed,
hands that teased,
fingers splayed on brownness.
I matured young, blood rushing from the space
between my legs at the tender age of eleven,
but the two hills of fat never quite grew.
I was proud of my body: slim, feline, strong.
It withstood the poisons of youthful chemistry,
the risks of promiscuity,
the trauma of neglect,
Arms like bands of steel,
legs small and muscled
a hidden, round jewel of a butt.
It was a day like any other; September, in fact.
A smile upon my face, first day of graduate school.
my nerves, popping, only a year married,
dreams of houses and children and vacations and lectures to give.
plans, designs, hopes, fears, all on 14th street and 8th avenue.
in a moment, he uttered "cancer."
like a whisper, like a curse.
the shock, slapping me, hot tears cascading
and he talks, not without compassion, but he talks and talks and talks
am i going to die? will it eat my flesh and leave me skeletal?
who will tell my wife? my parents? my brothers?
songs lyrics bounce around a lucid mind
mamma i wanna sing
but i must concentrate on how to save my life...
what can happen in 5 years?
a marriage dissolved
a degree earned only to pursue another
fall in love with her, and she leaves
two presidents. one, black, like me.
a dog or two.
saints of Tibet, vows taken, these are not to a woman. or any other person.
wars began, more lives lost.
many more friends and acquaintances touched by cellular overpopulation.
and a scar.
a scar that marks me, separates me.
makes me wonder if anyone could love me
and not be scared of my death, or her own.
a scar that i hid behind prosthetics and strategically placed clothing
until i said fuck it.
i'm asymmetrical in the most tragically comical way.
but on my wall hangs framed, pictures my dear friend took of me.
a day before the cutting, before i became an amputee.
in the light, near the world's most famous bridge
i look so young, beautiful, defiant, terrified, peaceful.
a tank top, eggplant.
locks that would fall out from chemo.
black jeans
a studded belt
silver bracelet glittering
and two breasts, one soon to part.
September 3, 2008-5 year anniversary of my diagnosis
October 1, 2008- 5 year anniversary of my mastectomy
February 1, 2009- 5 year anniversary of end of chemo
So all of my treatment is done and it's been 5 years, uhh, what does that mean?
It's the 5 year survival rate. I had Stage 1 breast cancer, so I have good odds of not kicking the bucket for a while due to cancer. I am a very, very, very blessed and lucky woman. I don't talk much about my cancer because it's become this very present reality to me, almost like a friend, a mundane reality...not that I don't take it seriously, or even get scurred sometimes, but it doesn't rule my life, nor do I live in fear of my death.
So to honor my survival and thriving, a poem:
A few pounds of flesh
taken for granted.
Mouths that caressed,
hands that teased,
fingers splayed on brownness.
I matured young, blood rushing from the space
between my legs at the tender age of eleven,
but the two hills of fat never quite grew.
I was proud of my body: slim, feline, strong.
It withstood the poisons of youthful chemistry,
the risks of promiscuity,
the trauma of neglect,
Arms like bands of steel,
legs small and muscled
a hidden, round jewel of a butt.
It was a day like any other; September, in fact.
A smile upon my face, first day of graduate school.
my nerves, popping, only a year married,
dreams of houses and children and vacations and lectures to give.
plans, designs, hopes, fears, all on 14th street and 8th avenue.
in a moment, he uttered "cancer."
like a whisper, like a curse.
the shock, slapping me, hot tears cascading
and he talks, not without compassion, but he talks and talks and talks
am i going to die? will it eat my flesh and leave me skeletal?
who will tell my wife? my parents? my brothers?
songs lyrics bounce around a lucid mind
mamma i wanna sing
but i must concentrate on how to save my life...
what can happen in 5 years?
a marriage dissolved
a degree earned only to pursue another
fall in love with her, and she leaves
two presidents. one, black, like me.
a dog or two.
saints of Tibet, vows taken, these are not to a woman. or any other person.
wars began, more lives lost.
many more friends and acquaintances touched by cellular overpopulation.
and a scar.
a scar that marks me, separates me.
makes me wonder if anyone could love me
and not be scared of my death, or her own.
a scar that i hid behind prosthetics and strategically placed clothing
until i said fuck it.
i'm asymmetrical in the most tragically comical way.
but on my wall hangs framed, pictures my dear friend took of me.
a day before the cutting, before i became an amputee.
in the light, near the world's most famous bridge
i look so young, beautiful, defiant, terrified, peaceful.
a tank top, eggplant.
locks that would fall out from chemo.
black jeans
a studded belt
silver bracelet glittering
and two breasts, one soon to part.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Requiem for W...Overture for O: Works of Conscience from 2000-2008
Requiem for W...Overture for O: Works of Conscience from 2000-2008
Hosted by Shanté Paradigm and featuring
Alexandra Beller, Tara Betts, Sabrina Chapadjiev, Drastic Measures,
Guta Hedewig, Remi Kanazi, Rachel Lane, Jesse Phillips-Fein,
Sapphire, Paul Singh, Spiritchild
& Gina Young
An alternative inauguration celebration, this evening honors how artists responded to the policies of the Bush Administration and encourages continued action for change. The pieces move beyond simply bashing President Bush and heralding President-elect Obama. Instead, they are intended to provide reflection on the past eight years, to foster discussion about how we survived and commemoration for those who didn’t, to create a space for critical thought about the role of artists in activism, and to distribute information about how to become involved in local organizations that are working on issues of social justice.
Friday & Saturday, January 23rd & 24th, 2009, 8 PM
BRICstudio 57 Rockwell Pl between Fulton & DeKalb, Brooklyn
Tickets: $15 Cash Only
Reservations: 718-228-7151 or jesse@jumpoffdance.org
More info at www.jumpoffdance.org
Endorsed by Brooklyn For Peace www.brooklynforpeace.org
Hosted by Shanté Paradigm and featuring
Alexandra Beller, Tara Betts, Sabrina Chapadjiev, Drastic Measures,
Guta Hedewig, Remi Kanazi, Rachel Lane, Jesse Phillips-Fein,
Sapphire, Paul Singh, Spiritchild
& Gina Young
An alternative inauguration celebration, this evening honors how artists responded to the policies of the Bush Administration and encourages continued action for change. The pieces move beyond simply bashing President Bush and heralding President-elect Obama. Instead, they are intended to provide reflection on the past eight years, to foster discussion about how we survived and commemoration for those who didn’t, to create a space for critical thought about the role of artists in activism, and to distribute information about how to become involved in local organizations that are working on issues of social justice.
Friday & Saturday, January 23rd & 24th, 2009, 8 PM
BRICstudio 57 Rockwell Pl between Fulton & DeKalb, Brooklyn
Tickets: $15 Cash Only
Reservations: 718-228-7151 or jesse@jumpoffdance.org
More info at www.jumpoffdance.org
Endorsed by Brooklyn For Peace www.brooklynforpeace.org
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
The Value of Friendship
So far, so good. 2009 rocks! I doubt the year knows that it rocks, but in my silly, giddy opinion, the first 5 days of 200nizzle have been excellent so far. A couple of days ago I was reflecting on how I spent last New Year's Eve Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day--it was totally wonderful and beautiful and appropriate. When I look back at 2008, the year really reflected how I spent the last day of '07 and the first day of '08: with friends, in my various spiritual committees, with a dog (although a different one than my current), enjoying NYC, eating well, and giving myself appropriate and loving self-care. For some people, this may seem totally boring, but for this-here Libra, it was nothing short of miraculous!
Anywho, if 2008 was a year of tremendous growth, change and self-reflective "gettin' my mind right," 2009 seems to be the year of enjoying the fruits of my labor as well as digging deeper into those scary places.
I've just spent the last 6 days in sunny, warm SoFla hanging out in West Palm, Palm Beach, Lantana and Hollywood (as in Squares, not Tinseltown). I spent time with two of my closest friends in the world, Kanye and Martha. Kanye's name is really another name, but I refuse to say her name as she wants me to call her by the name her mama gave her and I've known her looooooo these many years as her nickname. Thus, we reach the logical conclusion of calling her Kanye. There is something incredibly powerful about spending time with people who've witnessed you through all kinds of growth: I've known Kanye and Martha since I was 17 and I am so not 17 any longer (thank the pan-dieties)! But we've seen it all: graduation from college, horrible and great relationships, marriages, moves, career changes, degrees, illness, crack-headed decisions, crazy-ass shit with our parents, sibling drama and celebrations...everything that life touches, we've been through together.
A few years ago, we started getting together in NY or Florida, at least once a year. Kanye and Martha live in SoFla and I live in NYC, but they both have family in NY State and we get to be together once a year to talk about what;'s occurred in the past year, what we are currently challenged by, and our aspirations for the future. These gatherings are affirming, filled with laughter and vital to our spiritual, emotional, mental and psychic lives.
I feel incredibly grateful to have such loving friendships. Just a few days into the year, and I already have plans with a host of well-loved friends (and plans for serious snuggle-time with the Shorty when she gets back to NYC). It's such a good, simple loving life I have and I am happy I finally really appreciate it.
Happy 2009 ya'll!!
Anywho, if 2008 was a year of tremendous growth, change and self-reflective "gettin' my mind right," 2009 seems to be the year of enjoying the fruits of my labor as well as digging deeper into those scary places.
I've just spent the last 6 days in sunny, warm SoFla hanging out in West Palm, Palm Beach, Lantana and Hollywood (as in Squares, not Tinseltown). I spent time with two of my closest friends in the world, Kanye and Martha. Kanye's name is really another name, but I refuse to say her name as she wants me to call her by the name her mama gave her and I've known her looooooo these many years as her nickname. Thus, we reach the logical conclusion of calling her Kanye. There is something incredibly powerful about spending time with people who've witnessed you through all kinds of growth: I've known Kanye and Martha since I was 17 and I am so not 17 any longer (thank the pan-dieties)! But we've seen it all: graduation from college, horrible and great relationships, marriages, moves, career changes, degrees, illness, crack-headed decisions, crazy-ass shit with our parents, sibling drama and celebrations...everything that life touches, we've been through together.
A few years ago, we started getting together in NY or Florida, at least once a year. Kanye and Martha live in SoFla and I live in NYC, but they both have family in NY State and we get to be together once a year to talk about what;'s occurred in the past year, what we are currently challenged by, and our aspirations for the future. These gatherings are affirming, filled with laughter and vital to our spiritual, emotional, mental and psychic lives.
I feel incredibly grateful to have such loving friendships. Just a few days into the year, and I already have plans with a host of well-loved friends (and plans for serious snuggle-time with the Shorty when she gets back to NYC). It's such a good, simple loving life I have and I am happy I finally really appreciate it.
Happy 2009 ya'll!!
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