Today, I was talking with a friend about loneliness. Not the type of loneliness that leads to blog writing on a Friday night *ahem*, but that existential loneliness that creeps up temps a temps to smack one upset the head. The kind of loneliness that Valentine's Day seems to have been created to eradicate.
I know, I know, call me a cynic (ah, ah, ah, I am healing from that condition), but doesn't it strike you as a mite bit suspicious that smack-dab in the middle of winter
(no matter how unseasonably warm it's been), we celebrate this thing called Valentine's Day? Oh, I get it, sure, I'll buy some jerk-off some cards, candy or $700 boots, only to have them lie, cheat and be an all-around a-hole? yeah, that sounds good...bitter: they name is woman.
Beyond that, we're in like, an economic crisis or something, but love will save the day, right? Right? RIGHT?????!!! At least, for a day. Possibly maybe. Probably not. But back to this loneliness. It's possible to feel this loneliness, or longing, that has noting to do with Eros, with romantic love, and still be incredibly content, happy and joyous. I'm one of those people for whom romantic love has always been the pinnacle of existence. I lived, blinded by love, as it were.
I'm not hating. When people are in love and experiencing that true partnership with another human being, it's absolutely inspiring and lovely, In fact, the love extends beyond the partners to encompass everyone in the lives of the couple. I've been more desperate in love than I'd like to admit, yet, that feels like a kind of phase I had to encounter in order to see how much it really didn't work.
We certainly need more genuine love, loving-kindness, compassion, generosity and true care in the world. We don't need more rageful, jealous fits ending in violence, boy-meets-girl romances, lies, manipulation and co-dependent patsies in the world. It's hard to come by, this true love, which is extended to all without demand for anything back. Co-emergent with it is this existential loneliness, this knowledge that all the things I have or think I have cannot ease the ache, the longing.
Gratefully, humor provides much relief. Humor and really good music. In honor of both and of St. Valentine, I offer you these. Enjoy!
Teen Girl Squad
Showing posts with label SP musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SP musings. Show all posts
Friday, February 13, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Happy Five Years Shante
As of February 2009, I have been out of all cancer treatments for 5 years. I know I have been celebrating this 5 year anniversary for months, but here's the breakdown:
September 3, 2008-5 year anniversary of my diagnosis
October 1, 2008- 5 year anniversary of my mastectomy
February 1, 2009- 5 year anniversary of end of chemo
So all of my treatment is done and it's been 5 years, uhh, what does that mean?
It's the 5 year survival rate. I had Stage 1 breast cancer, so I have good odds of not kicking the bucket for a while due to cancer. I am a very, very, very blessed and lucky woman. I don't talk much about my cancer because it's become this very present reality to me, almost like a friend, a mundane reality...not that I don't take it seriously, or even get scurred sometimes, but it doesn't rule my life, nor do I live in fear of my death.
So to honor my survival and thriving, a poem:
A few pounds of flesh
taken for granted.
Mouths that caressed,
hands that teased,
fingers splayed on brownness.
I matured young, blood rushing from the space
between my legs at the tender age of eleven,
but the two hills of fat never quite grew.
I was proud of my body: slim, feline, strong.
It withstood the poisons of youthful chemistry,
the risks of promiscuity,
the trauma of neglect,
Arms like bands of steel,
legs small and muscled
a hidden, round jewel of a butt.
It was a day like any other; September, in fact.
A smile upon my face, first day of graduate school.
my nerves, popping, only a year married,
dreams of houses and children and vacations and lectures to give.
plans, designs, hopes, fears, all on 14th street and 8th avenue.
in a moment, he uttered "cancer."
like a whisper, like a curse.
the shock, slapping me, hot tears cascading
and he talks, not without compassion, but he talks and talks and talks
am i going to die? will it eat my flesh and leave me skeletal?
who will tell my wife? my parents? my brothers?
songs lyrics bounce around a lucid mind
mamma i wanna sing
but i must concentrate on how to save my life...
what can happen in 5 years?
a marriage dissolved
a degree earned only to pursue another
fall in love with her, and she leaves
two presidents. one, black, like me.
a dog or two.
saints of Tibet, vows taken, these are not to a woman. or any other person.
wars began, more lives lost.
many more friends and acquaintances touched by cellular overpopulation.
and a scar.
a scar that marks me, separates me.
makes me wonder if anyone could love me
and not be scared of my death, or her own.
a scar that i hid behind prosthetics and strategically placed clothing
until i said fuck it.
i'm asymmetrical in the most tragically comical way.
but on my wall hangs framed, pictures my dear friend took of me.
a day before the cutting, before i became an amputee.
in the light, near the world's most famous bridge
i look so young, beautiful, defiant, terrified, peaceful.
a tank top, eggplant.
locks that would fall out from chemo.
black jeans
a studded belt
silver bracelet glittering
and two breasts, one soon to part.
September 3, 2008-5 year anniversary of my diagnosis
October 1, 2008- 5 year anniversary of my mastectomy
February 1, 2009- 5 year anniversary of end of chemo
So all of my treatment is done and it's been 5 years, uhh, what does that mean?
It's the 5 year survival rate. I had Stage 1 breast cancer, so I have good odds of not kicking the bucket for a while due to cancer. I am a very, very, very blessed and lucky woman. I don't talk much about my cancer because it's become this very present reality to me, almost like a friend, a mundane reality...not that I don't take it seriously, or even get scurred sometimes, but it doesn't rule my life, nor do I live in fear of my death.
So to honor my survival and thriving, a poem:
A few pounds of flesh
taken for granted.
Mouths that caressed,
hands that teased,
fingers splayed on brownness.
I matured young, blood rushing from the space
between my legs at the tender age of eleven,
but the two hills of fat never quite grew.
I was proud of my body: slim, feline, strong.
It withstood the poisons of youthful chemistry,
the risks of promiscuity,
the trauma of neglect,
Arms like bands of steel,
legs small and muscled
a hidden, round jewel of a butt.
It was a day like any other; September, in fact.
A smile upon my face, first day of graduate school.
my nerves, popping, only a year married,
dreams of houses and children and vacations and lectures to give.
plans, designs, hopes, fears, all on 14th street and 8th avenue.
in a moment, he uttered "cancer."
like a whisper, like a curse.
the shock, slapping me, hot tears cascading
and he talks, not without compassion, but he talks and talks and talks
am i going to die? will it eat my flesh and leave me skeletal?
who will tell my wife? my parents? my brothers?
songs lyrics bounce around a lucid mind
mamma i wanna sing
but i must concentrate on how to save my life...
what can happen in 5 years?
a marriage dissolved
a degree earned only to pursue another
fall in love with her, and she leaves
two presidents. one, black, like me.
a dog or two.
saints of Tibet, vows taken, these are not to a woman. or any other person.
wars began, more lives lost.
many more friends and acquaintances touched by cellular overpopulation.
and a scar.
a scar that marks me, separates me.
makes me wonder if anyone could love me
and not be scared of my death, or her own.
a scar that i hid behind prosthetics and strategically placed clothing
until i said fuck it.
i'm asymmetrical in the most tragically comical way.
but on my wall hangs framed, pictures my dear friend took of me.
a day before the cutting, before i became an amputee.
in the light, near the world's most famous bridge
i look so young, beautiful, defiant, terrified, peaceful.
a tank top, eggplant.
locks that would fall out from chemo.
black jeans
a studded belt
silver bracelet glittering
and two breasts, one soon to part.
Monday, January 05, 2009
The Value of Friendship
So far, so good. 2009 rocks! I doubt the year knows that it rocks, but in my silly, giddy opinion, the first 5 days of 200nizzle have been excellent so far. A couple of days ago I was reflecting on how I spent last New Year's Eve Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day--it was totally wonderful and beautiful and appropriate. When I look back at 2008, the year really reflected how I spent the last day of '07 and the first day of '08: with friends, in my various spiritual committees, with a dog (although a different one than my current), enjoying NYC, eating well, and giving myself appropriate and loving self-care. For some people, this may seem totally boring, but for this-here Libra, it was nothing short of miraculous!
Anywho, if 2008 was a year of tremendous growth, change and self-reflective "gettin' my mind right," 2009 seems to be the year of enjoying the fruits of my labor as well as digging deeper into those scary places.
I've just spent the last 6 days in sunny, warm SoFla hanging out in West Palm, Palm Beach, Lantana and Hollywood (as in Squares, not Tinseltown). I spent time with two of my closest friends in the world, Kanye and Martha. Kanye's name is really another name, but I refuse to say her name as she wants me to call her by the name her mama gave her and I've known her looooooo these many years as her nickname. Thus, we reach the logical conclusion of calling her Kanye. There is something incredibly powerful about spending time with people who've witnessed you through all kinds of growth: I've known Kanye and Martha since I was 17 and I am so not 17 any longer (thank the pan-dieties)! But we've seen it all: graduation from college, horrible and great relationships, marriages, moves, career changes, degrees, illness, crack-headed decisions, crazy-ass shit with our parents, sibling drama and celebrations...everything that life touches, we've been through together.
A few years ago, we started getting together in NY or Florida, at least once a year. Kanye and Martha live in SoFla and I live in NYC, but they both have family in NY State and we get to be together once a year to talk about what;'s occurred in the past year, what we are currently challenged by, and our aspirations for the future. These gatherings are affirming, filled with laughter and vital to our spiritual, emotional, mental and psychic lives.
I feel incredibly grateful to have such loving friendships. Just a few days into the year, and I already have plans with a host of well-loved friends (and plans for serious snuggle-time with the Shorty when she gets back to NYC). It's such a good, simple loving life I have and I am happy I finally really appreciate it.
Happy 2009 ya'll!!
Anywho, if 2008 was a year of tremendous growth, change and self-reflective "gettin' my mind right," 2009 seems to be the year of enjoying the fruits of my labor as well as digging deeper into those scary places.
I've just spent the last 6 days in sunny, warm SoFla hanging out in West Palm, Palm Beach, Lantana and Hollywood (as in Squares, not Tinseltown). I spent time with two of my closest friends in the world, Kanye and Martha. Kanye's name is really another name, but I refuse to say her name as she wants me to call her by the name her mama gave her and I've known her looooooo these many years as her nickname. Thus, we reach the logical conclusion of calling her Kanye. There is something incredibly powerful about spending time with people who've witnessed you through all kinds of growth: I've known Kanye and Martha since I was 17 and I am so not 17 any longer (thank the pan-dieties)! But we've seen it all: graduation from college, horrible and great relationships, marriages, moves, career changes, degrees, illness, crack-headed decisions, crazy-ass shit with our parents, sibling drama and celebrations...everything that life touches, we've been through together.
A few years ago, we started getting together in NY or Florida, at least once a year. Kanye and Martha live in SoFla and I live in NYC, but they both have family in NY State and we get to be together once a year to talk about what;'s occurred in the past year, what we are currently challenged by, and our aspirations for the future. These gatherings are affirming, filled with laughter and vital to our spiritual, emotional, mental and psychic lives.
I feel incredibly grateful to have such loving friendships. Just a few days into the year, and I already have plans with a host of well-loved friends (and plans for serious snuggle-time with the Shorty when she gets back to NYC). It's such a good, simple loving life I have and I am happy I finally really appreciate it.
Happy 2009 ya'll!!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wake in '08, Fine in '09
Well, well, well. Here we are, the end of another year. Not to sound like every old person on the planet, but seriously, where did this year go? Was it even a year, or just a few short weeks? At any rate, it really was an excellent year. I set out to do the most important thing for me which was to get my mind right after going done the path of self-will, which ,of course, placed me in a position to be hurt. Enough of the vagaries.
2008 was a year of incredible gifts, gratitude and accomplishments for me:
1. I officially became ABD (All But Dissertation) in my doctoral work, meaning all I have to do is write a measely four chapter BOOK! ha ha ha. Instead I write on my blog.
2. I found a great apartment and a great roommate. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect, supportive situation.
3. I fell more in love with Brooklyn and NYC, even as I realized that I probably won't be able to spend all of my time here for much longer.
4. I made more time for my friends, my sweet/wacky family and myself this year. No easy feat I tell you.
5. I adopted a great dog, Tilopa!!!! (whom I blog about at Fierce and Nerdy)
6. I saw lots of of good movies!!! I fell in love with 30 Rock and You Tube.
7. I got that flat screen...i will definitely be blogging about my Battalestar Galactica marathon and how it is totally different on a great TV.
8. I cleared up a lot of old wreckage: financial, emotional, inter-personal.
9. I had a successful year of running my own business (look here).
10. I re-connected with lots of people, mostly thanks to my 10 year college reunion and Facebook.
11. my iphone!!!!!!!!!
12. After reading Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, I joined a CSA and began working my way to 75% local food purchase.
13. My yoga asana and meditation practice became steady and fairly daily after many, many years of being intermittent. Basically I dedicated myself to the spiritual practice rather than material practice.
14. I fell back in love with Nas.
15. I accepted myself for who I am, flaws and all and embraced my brand of black-homo-femaleness.
16. I laughed so much, 2008 was the year of bawdy, genuine laughter.
17. I turned 33.
18. I reached my 5 year mark free of cancer.
19. I simplified.
20. I got a great surprising Christmas gift.
I'm looking forward to 2009 because it's more days on this Earth and I have plans!!
Bonus: 21. I actually BLOGGED!!!!
With love,
SP and Tilo
2008 was a year of incredible gifts, gratitude and accomplishments for me:
1. I officially became ABD (All But Dissertation) in my doctoral work, meaning all I have to do is write a measely four chapter BOOK! ha ha ha. Instead I write on my blog.
2. I found a great apartment and a great roommate. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect, supportive situation.
3. I fell more in love with Brooklyn and NYC, even as I realized that I probably won't be able to spend all of my time here for much longer.
4. I made more time for my friends, my sweet/wacky family and myself this year. No easy feat I tell you.
5. I adopted a great dog, Tilopa!!!! (whom I blog about at Fierce and Nerdy)
6. I saw lots of of good movies!!! I fell in love with 30 Rock and You Tube.
7. I got that flat screen...i will definitely be blogging about my Battalestar Galactica marathon and how it is totally different on a great TV.
8. I cleared up a lot of old wreckage: financial, emotional, inter-personal.
9. I had a successful year of running my own business (look here).
10. I re-connected with lots of people, mostly thanks to my 10 year college reunion and Facebook.
11. my iphone!!!!!!!!!
12. After reading Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, I joined a CSA and began working my way to 75% local food purchase.
13. My yoga asana and meditation practice became steady and fairly daily after many, many years of being intermittent. Basically I dedicated myself to the spiritual practice rather than material practice.
14. I fell back in love with Nas.
15. I accepted myself for who I am, flaws and all and embraced my brand of black-homo-femaleness.
16. I laughed so much, 2008 was the year of bawdy, genuine laughter.
17. I turned 33.
18. I reached my 5 year mark free of cancer.
19. I simplified.
20. I got a great surprising Christmas gift.
I'm looking forward to 2009 because it's more days on this Earth and I have plans!!
Bonus: 21. I actually BLOGGED!!!!
With love,
SP and Tilo
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
A post that got lost
http://shanteparadigm.blogspot.com/2008/06/shantes-most-absolutely-subjective-best.html
Thursday, June 26, 2008
see this old post never published
Check out this post
couldn't figure out how to change the date and I re-designed and updated the Shante Paradigm website. enjoy!
couldn't figure out how to change the date and I re-designed and updated the Shante Paradigm website. enjoy!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Shante's Most Absolutely Subjective: Best Sad/You Did Me Wrong/Why Lawd Why Songs on My Ipod
So, we all know how lovely it is to fall in love: the birds chirp a little louder, images are a bit sharper, you skip to the loo, and every little thing your paramour does is so cute (even the things that will drive you to want to kill them later). We have a gazillion love songs, cheesy poetry and envious friends to cheer us on, but what about the "sour times?" That's right, Portishead will be on the list!
I am sure on another day, I will choose a different list and there are some people I left off (D'Angelo, Maxwell, Al Green, Chaka, Marvin Gaye,Patti Labelle, Sinead) who OBVIOUSLY have some slamming sad/longing songs. Okay, listening to Radiohead right now and need to get some peppier songs before I never make it out the house. "Lipgloss" here I
come!
Please send me yours, I want to know how you wallow when your loving feeling has been lost.
PS- only attempt to make this list when you are actually happy. otherwise, you may never emerge from the hellish emo abyss. Damn this Radiohead is depressing!
20.Resentment or Irreplaceable- Beyonce
B gives Jay-Z a piece of her mind when he was doing her wrong.Or so I imagine. And no, "to the left, to the left," is not the best lyric here. It has to be "I can have another you in a minute...Don't ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable..." Damn B, you cold girl! "Resentment" is just...well listen to the song. The influence of B playing Deanna in Dreamgirls shows. I played this one A LOT last year. Best lyric:" Loving you was easy, once upon a time."
19.On the Ground--Beady Belle
Swedish soul singer, Beady Belle, gives a dynamite rendition of "you made your bed, now lie in it...hoe!" over a gorgeous, minimalist down-tempo beat. It's a song about going on with your life. Thanks Vanessa for introducing me to her, cuz her albums are available import only and expensive. Love this song!
18.Gnarls Barkley-Who's Gonna Save My Soul?
Oh man. Cee-Lo, you really kill it. Haunting, psychedelic, trippy and dark. Does anyone know what the sample is? It sounds very familiar, like some 60s movie theme song. It sounds like it's about losing one's religion, but the longing is the same, I mean isn't love a type of worship? Cee-Lo moans, groans, growls, about selfishness, self-interest, fear, loss of control...whew I identify, like the best of them (Al Green, Marvin Gaye). Lesson: Co-dependence don't work fools! Buy this album
17.Burn-Usher
This song got me through all of 2004. Oh man, I know every lyric (singing now: "The party ain't jumpin' like used too, even if it bruise[s] you, let it burn, let it burn, let it burn..." It's got everything: falsetto, drama, multiple perspectives on a relationship ending, longing, sexual desire and you can dance to it while in that slow-cool way that I could never do.It is seriously a sexy song. Almost makes breaking up worth it just so you can sing along with conviction! Usher is the man.He does R. Kelley better that R and with more class.
16.(Another Song) All Over Again- Justin Timberlake
Okay, I know it may seem like sacrilege to rate J. Tim higher than Usher, but I think the fact that this song is newer and gets more play on my iPod gives it the one up. Plus for the longest time, I thought this was some Chris Brown-like guy who just "sounded like Justin Timberlake." Lol, silly me. This is the song from the side of the
one who done fucked up, come on, we've all been there and done that. I know I done some fucked up shit to people. So you know, it never works out, but he puts his heart and soul into it. And it is much less bitter than "Cry Me a River," or "What Goes Around Comes Around," (although they are very good when you are wishing your ex(es) ill will); this song is completely tender with lots of melismas and falsetto. And begging, A+.
15.How Can I Ease the Pain?-Lisa Fischer. Sigh. Oh Lisa, you won awards, but did we really give you credit for being the bombity-ass singer you were? And not just for being Luther's back-up singer either. How can you write something so perfect as, "IF it's not loooovveeeeeeee, you're coming foooooorrrrrr, why [are] you here, knock-knock-knocking at my doooorrr. I can't take it no more, no more, no more baby, give me love or nothing at alllllllll (in a high C no less)." Shit woman, you can wrench a tear out of a stone. Play this song only if you have friends or family to rescue you from your broke-down heart puddle.
14.Picture in a Frame- Ben Harper. He's angry. He's hurt. He writes a gorgeous traveling road song. The reminiscing doesn't bring the love back, as "all that's left...is a picture sitting in a frame." Yup, perfect.
13.You Don't Know what Love Is- Cassandra Wilson. This song, honey, over honey, over the smoothest honey. Ms. Wilson's voice is unbelievable, hypnotic, fierce and bereft. "You don't know what love is until you learn the meaning of the blues, til you've lost a love, you had to lose, you don't know what love is." Really? For shizz? Whyyy? Exactly. That's love and "sangin'" about it.
12. The entire Bitter album- Me'shell Ndegeocello. You just have to listen. In the dark, on your bed, with minimal clothing. Trust me.
11. Mary J. Blige's whole discography. I mean really, Mary J. is synonymous with heartache. And I know people say that they don't like her "know that she's happy." HATERS!! Mary J. cans still bring the pain to a sunny day and make you like it. Some MJB classic lost love songs: "Your Child" --ridiculously ghetto but still sort of amazing, her cover of Chaka Khan's "Sweet Thing," "I'm the Only One You Need" and "You Gotta Believe," off of what is arguably Mary's best album, My Life and of course, "I Can Love You."
10. Getting Late- Floetry. Floetry can be a bit corny sometimes, but their first album has some incredible classics. "It's Getting Last," not only has glorious lyrics, harmonies, and concept, but gets at the vulnerability of hurt inside a relationship. How sex, desire, fear, fantasy and the reality of what is or was and how it all plays out with never enough time..."it's getting last, why you gotta be here?"
9. Just Friends/ Valerie (live on the DL) Amy Winehouse
8.The entire Dummy album--Portishead
7. Do I Love You?- Ella Fitzgerald
6.Bittersweet-Lewis Taylor (the best British soul singer EVER)
5.Weird Fishes/Arpeggi-Radiohead
4.TIE: Green Eyes- Erykah Badu/ Led Zepplin- Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You
3.Oh Sailor or I Know- Fiona Apple
2. TIE: Lesson Learned- Alicia Keys ft John Mayer/ Ex-Factor (original or remix)- Lauryn Hill: both of these songs are complex, perspective-shifting pleas/homages to lost love. Timeless
And number one is:
1. A House is a Not a Home by the late and great Ms., uh, Mr. Luther Vandross
I am sure on another day, I will choose a different list and there are some people I left off (D'Angelo, Maxwell, Al Green, Chaka, Marvin Gaye,Patti Labelle, Sinead) who OBVIOUSLY have some slamming sad/longing songs. Okay, listening to Radiohead right now and need to get some peppier songs before I never make it out the house. "Lipgloss" here I
come!
Please send me yours, I want to know how you wallow when your loving feeling has been lost.
PS- only attempt to make this list when you are actually happy. otherwise, you may never emerge from the hellish emo abyss. Damn this Radiohead is depressing!
20.Resentment or Irreplaceable- Beyonce
B gives Jay-Z a piece of her mind when he was doing her wrong.Or so I imagine. And no, "to the left, to the left," is not the best lyric here. It has to be "I can have another you in a minute...Don't ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable..." Damn B, you cold girl! "Resentment" is just...well listen to the song. The influence of B playing Deanna in Dreamgirls shows. I played this one A LOT last year. Best lyric:" Loving you was easy, once upon a time."
19.On the Ground--Beady Belle
Swedish soul singer, Beady Belle, gives a dynamite rendition of "you made your bed, now lie in it...hoe!" over a gorgeous, minimalist down-tempo beat. It's a song about going on with your life. Thanks Vanessa for introducing me to her, cuz her albums are available import only and expensive. Love this song!
18.Gnarls Barkley-Who's Gonna Save My Soul?
Oh man. Cee-Lo, you really kill it. Haunting, psychedelic, trippy and dark. Does anyone know what the sample is? It sounds very familiar, like some 60s movie theme song. It sounds like it's about losing one's religion, but the longing is the same, I mean isn't love a type of worship? Cee-Lo moans, groans, growls, about selfishness, self-interest, fear, loss of control...whew I identify, like the best of them (Al Green, Marvin Gaye). Lesson: Co-dependence don't work fools! Buy this album
17.Burn-Usher
This song got me through all of 2004. Oh man, I know every lyric (singing now: "The party ain't jumpin' like used too, even if it bruise[s] you, let it burn, let it burn, let it burn..." It's got everything: falsetto, drama, multiple perspectives on a relationship ending, longing, sexual desire and you can dance to it while in that slow-cool way that I could never do.It is seriously a sexy song. Almost makes breaking up worth it just so you can sing along with conviction! Usher is the man.He does R. Kelley better that R and with more class.
16.(Another Song) All Over Again- Justin Timberlake
Okay, I know it may seem like sacrilege to rate J. Tim higher than Usher, but I think the fact that this song is newer and gets more play on my iPod gives it the one up. Plus for the longest time, I thought this was some Chris Brown-like guy who just "sounded like Justin Timberlake." Lol, silly me. This is the song from the side of the
one who done fucked up, come on, we've all been there and done that. I know I done some fucked up shit to people. So you know, it never works out, but he puts his heart and soul into it. And it is much less bitter than "Cry Me a River," or "What Goes Around Comes Around," (although they are very good when you are wishing your ex(es) ill will); this song is completely tender with lots of melismas and falsetto. And begging, A+.
15.How Can I Ease the Pain?-Lisa Fischer. Sigh. Oh Lisa, you won awards, but did we really give you credit for being the bombity-ass singer you were? And not just for being Luther's back-up singer either. How can you write something so perfect as, "IF it's not loooovveeeeeeee, you're coming foooooorrrrrr, why [are] you here, knock-knock-knocking at my doooorrr. I can't take it no more, no more, no more baby, give me love or nothing at alllllllll (in a high C no less)." Shit woman, you can wrench a tear out of a stone. Play this song only if you have friends or family to rescue you from your broke-down heart puddle.
14.Picture in a Frame- Ben Harper. He's angry. He's hurt. He writes a gorgeous traveling road song. The reminiscing doesn't bring the love back, as "all that's left...is a picture sitting in a frame." Yup, perfect.
13.You Don't Know what Love Is- Cassandra Wilson. This song, honey, over honey, over the smoothest honey. Ms. Wilson's voice is unbelievable, hypnotic, fierce and bereft. "You don't know what love is until you learn the meaning of the blues, til you've lost a love, you had to lose, you don't know what love is." Really? For shizz? Whyyy? Exactly. That's love and "sangin'" about it.
12. The entire Bitter album- Me'shell Ndegeocello. You just have to listen. In the dark, on your bed, with minimal clothing. Trust me.
11. Mary J. Blige's whole discography. I mean really, Mary J. is synonymous with heartache. And I know people say that they don't like her "know that she's happy." HATERS!! Mary J. cans still bring the pain to a sunny day and make you like it. Some MJB classic lost love songs: "Your Child" --ridiculously ghetto but still sort of amazing, her cover of Chaka Khan's "Sweet Thing," "I'm the Only One You Need" and "You Gotta Believe," off of what is arguably Mary's best album, My Life and of course, "I Can Love You."
10. Getting Late- Floetry. Floetry can be a bit corny sometimes, but their first album has some incredible classics. "It's Getting Last," not only has glorious lyrics, harmonies, and concept, but gets at the vulnerability of hurt inside a relationship. How sex, desire, fear, fantasy and the reality of what is or was and how it all plays out with never enough time..."it's getting last, why you gotta be here?"
9. Just Friends/ Valerie (live on the DL) Amy Winehouse
8.The entire Dummy album--Portishead
7. Do I Love You?- Ella Fitzgerald
6.Bittersweet-Lewis Taylor (the best British soul singer EVER)
5.Weird Fishes/Arpeggi-Radiohead
4.TIE: Green Eyes- Erykah Badu/ Led Zepplin- Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You
3.Oh Sailor or I Know- Fiona Apple
2. TIE: Lesson Learned- Alicia Keys ft John Mayer/ Ex-Factor (original or remix)- Lauryn Hill: both of these songs are complex, perspective-shifting pleas/homages to lost love. Timeless
And number one is:
1. A House is a Not a Home by the late and great Ms., uh, Mr. Luther Vandross
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Umm, Where's the Music Paradigm?
Yes, my friends, I am still making music. It's just sometimes these things take longer than one would like depending on circumstances. This last year has been spent "researching material," i.e, living life, encountering loss and profound change, having many happy, joyous and free moments, and working "tree job," like the family on In Living Color.
So, I've been working with my man Pat for a minute, but both of us are in grad school so sometimes it gets hectic. And frankly, I've had a severe case of writer's block for some time. It's slowly starting to lift. It's really part of the process and I've stopped being stumped/aggravated/incredulous by the natural ebb and flow of the mind and creativity. That's "deprivation mind." Oh, damn, ya'll don't know about that. It's a little inside joke between me and a Sandy. And it doesn't translate well virtually.
So, I am working on some songs: spoken word, rhyming and singing and basically listening to shitload of music; all types of music. What I'm really attempting to do is get real and in touch with my own voice or what is marketable or what might fit into some scene or category. At this point in my life and career, I'm not trying to famous. I really want to make and enjoy music and when this shit starts feeling like a job, naw, fuck it.
And I'm not talking about being some hairy-fairy "for the love" or "keeping it real, keeping it grimey" "authentic" art form either. I mean just simply as a person who gets tired, who is human, who wants to rest and chill, who wants a simple life, I'm not trying to run around the globe and sing for my supper. That shit is played for me. AND, I hate sleeping in strange beds, you know, hotels.
I was sort of reminding about why I shied away from "stardom" when I was at my 10 year reunion . So I sang in this group and we were sort of a big deal, on campus, but also we garnered quite a reputation in the college/university scene. A lot of that had to do with our pitch at the time, Hillary, who was/is a phenomenal musician/arranger/composer. And we found the most complicated songs ("Omaha" anyone?) and blasted them.
So I sang this song. It was bizarre that I even auditioned for it, but I did and got it. It became a sort of blessing/curse my entire career at Smith. It as "For What It's Worth." Now I know what you all are thinking: Stephen Stills/Buffalo Springfield? http://www.varsityvocals.com/icca/results1996a.html. But it really was moving...
anyway, I think my own thinking and "Merchurry" being in "Retro-grate" (it's an inside joke), have contributed to my morose musings. The writer's block has been serious but it seems to be lifting a bit.
So I am writing new music, listening to every sound and reading a great deal and getting inspired from every portion of my life. We shall see what is made of all this.
Until soon...
So, I've been working with my man Pat for a minute, but both of us are in grad school so sometimes it gets hectic. And frankly, I've had a severe case of writer's block for some time. It's slowly starting to lift. It's really part of the process and I've stopped being stumped/aggravated/incredulous by the natural ebb and flow of the mind and creativity. That's "deprivation mind." Oh, damn, ya'll don't know about that. It's a little inside joke between me and a Sandy. And it doesn't translate well virtually.
So, I am working on some songs: spoken word, rhyming and singing and basically listening to shitload of music; all types of music. What I'm really attempting to do is get real and in touch with my own voice or what is marketable or what might fit into some scene or category. At this point in my life and career, I'm not trying to famous. I really want to make and enjoy music and when this shit starts feeling like a job, naw, fuck it.
And I'm not talking about being some hairy-fairy "for the love" or "keeping it real, keeping it grimey" "authentic" art form either. I mean just simply as a person who gets tired, who is human, who wants to rest and chill, who wants a simple life, I'm not trying to run around the globe and sing for my supper. That shit is played for me. AND, I hate sleeping in strange beds, you know, hotels.
I was sort of reminding about why I shied away from "stardom" when I was at my 10 year reunion . So I sang in this group and we were sort of a big deal, on campus, but also we garnered quite a reputation in the college/university scene. A lot of that had to do with our pitch at the time, Hillary, who was/is a phenomenal musician/arranger/composer. And we found the most complicated songs ("Omaha" anyone?) and blasted them.
So I sang this song. It was bizarre that I even auditioned for it, but I did and got it. It became a sort of blessing/curse my entire career at Smith. It as "For What It's Worth." Now I know what you all are thinking: Stephen Stills/Buffalo Springfield? http://www.varsityvocals.com/icca/results1996a.html. But it really was moving...
anyway, I think my own thinking and "Merchurry" being in "Retro-grate" (it's an inside joke), have contributed to my morose musings. The writer's block has been serious but it seems to be lifting a bit.
So I am writing new music, listening to every sound and reading a great deal and getting inspired from every portion of my life. We shall see what is made of all this.
Until soon...
Monday, February 11, 2008
Jean Grae, Talib Kweli, and MC Colt 45???
Sooooo, I'm writing about Jean Grae in-depth for my Doctoral dissertation. I have no title as of yet, but the topic is: The Performance of Gender and Sexuality in New York City Hip Hop from 1985-Present. Whew!
And one day, I will break it down, but for now, I want to talk a little about Jeanie. Jean is a fascinating lyricist, vocalist,producer. She was formerly known as Wha? Wha? and has had a strange, brilliant and somewhat frustrating career as a preeminent underground emcee. Of course, she is a particular breed of emcee, being female, South African-born, fiercely and poetically honest in her subject matter, tone and delivery.
But she's also one hell of a comedian. My homeboy, B Prof (you got a webpage, boo?) sent me this AMAZING video, featuring Talib Kweli and Jean Grae. It's an episode of the MTV web series MADE.
In this one, MC Colt 45 wants to...oh just watch it, it's GLORIOUS!!!
And one day, I will break it down, but for now, I want to talk a little about Jeanie. Jean is a fascinating lyricist, vocalist,producer. She was formerly known as Wha? Wha? and has had a strange, brilliant and somewhat frustrating career as a preeminent underground emcee. Of course, she is a particular breed of emcee, being female, South African-born, fiercely and poetically honest in her subject matter, tone and delivery.
But she's also one hell of a comedian. My homeboy, B Prof (you got a webpage, boo?) sent me this AMAZING video, featuring Talib Kweli and Jean Grae. It's an episode of the MTV web series MADE.
In this one, MC Colt 45 wants to...oh just watch it, it's GLORIOUS!!!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
What Will 2008 Bring O Magic Crystal Ball?
2007 is almost over and I thought I'd take some time to reflect on what I'd like next year to look like. In other words, my reflections are projections.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave my current consulting job and try to figure out something more stimulating for money.
I'm writing my dissertation. No title yet, but the topic is "The Performance of Gender and Sexuality in NYC Hip Hop from 1985 to the Present." I'm looking at 5 iconic subjects to think through how NYC hip hop has been particularly influenced and influential in discussing, critiquing and playing with gender and sexuality. "What is this hip hop we talking about?" you ask. Mais, oui. And my dissertation sets out to illuminate hip hop's fruity/fun history.
Travel. I know I seem to travel a lot, but I want to go places and do meaningful things, not just go on vacation. Vacation is hot, don't get me wrong, but I need to be creating: music, writing, friendships, love. You know what I'm saying?
Yoga Training: I'm contemplating taking a yoga teacher training in either the late summer or early fall. Do I want to be a yoga teacher? I don't know. But I do want that skill.
Complete Meditation Training. I've just completed Level II of the Shambhala Meditation Training. Level III is in March and there are five levels in the first series. I'd like 2008 to see me getting through number 5.
Finish and promote my solo album. I really have been avoiding working on my own career and have been so distracted by making things happen for others. I'm in the studio already, so now to finish those songs, lay down those tracks and promote the hell out of it.
Learn a music program. I have both Garage Band and Reason on my lovely Mac Book Pro. Anyone want to help a sista out???
I'll keep you updated. This blog has no pics because I am at work. See? One more reason to quit.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave my current consulting job and try to figure out something more stimulating for money.
I'm writing my dissertation. No title yet, but the topic is "The Performance of Gender and Sexuality in NYC Hip Hop from 1985 to the Present." I'm looking at 5 iconic subjects to think through how NYC hip hop has been particularly influenced and influential in discussing, critiquing and playing with gender and sexuality. "What is this hip hop we talking about?" you ask. Mais, oui. And my dissertation sets out to illuminate hip hop's fruity/fun history.
Travel. I know I seem to travel a lot, but I want to go places and do meaningful things, not just go on vacation. Vacation is hot, don't get me wrong, but I need to be creating: music, writing, friendships, love. You know what I'm saying?
Yoga Training: I'm contemplating taking a yoga teacher training in either the late summer or early fall. Do I want to be a yoga teacher? I don't know. But I do want that skill.
Complete Meditation Training. I've just completed Level II of the Shambhala Meditation Training. Level III is in March and there are five levels in the first series. I'd like 2008 to see me getting through number 5.
Finish and promote my solo album. I really have been avoiding working on my own career and have been so distracted by making things happen for others. I'm in the studio already, so now to finish those songs, lay down those tracks and promote the hell out of it.
Learn a music program. I have both Garage Band and Reason on my lovely Mac Book Pro. Anyone want to help a sista out???
I'll keep you updated. This blog has no pics because I am at work. See? One more reason to quit.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I've Been Tagged...
Ok, so appparently, I have to share 5 things about myself here, that ya'll don't know.
1. I am a big, fat sap. I love sentimental things: sad songs, sad movies, talking animals are guarenteed to make me cry and so forth. It's true, very, very true.
2. My dog, Bronte, is probably my best friend. HEY! She doesn't talk back...much.
3. I heart hot chocolate. Some of you know this, but I do drink it all year long.
4. I am fastidious, bordering on neurotic. I like things clean and orderly.
5. I lived on a farm as a child.
PS- shanteparadigm.com and myspace.com/shanteparadigm have been updated.
1. I am a big, fat sap. I love sentimental things: sad songs, sad movies, talking animals are guarenteed to make me cry and so forth. It's true, very, very true.
2. My dog, Bronte, is probably my best friend. HEY! She doesn't talk back...much.
3. I heart hot chocolate. Some of you know this, but I do drink it all year long.
4. I am fastidious, bordering on neurotic. I like things clean and orderly.
5. I lived on a farm as a child.
PS- shanteparadigm.com and myspace.com/shanteparadigm have been updated.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Fave You Tube Vid of the Week
I admit it. I don't watch television, but for some reason, I love watching clips of TV shows on my computer. Sigh. I am weirdly twisted.
I have many, many, many YouTube vids saved but I will start giving you some that have recently changed my life:
First of all, for all of you MadTV fans out there, you don't get any funnier than Ms. Debra Wilson--cuz she is genius!!! This is her doing one great Whitney Houston impression.
To say she is brilliant, is an understatement. She does many great characters, but her Whitney is the bomb!
Enjoy!!!!
I have many, many, many YouTube vids saved but I will start giving you some that have recently changed my life:
First of all, for all of you MadTV fans out there, you don't get any funnier than Ms. Debra Wilson--cuz she is genius!!! This is her doing one great Whitney Houston impression.
To say she is brilliant, is an understatement. She does many great characters, but her Whitney is the bomb!
Enjoy!!!!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Shante Paradigm Website
Hey Ya'll! The Shante Paradigm website is live. I know it need work, but a girl is just proud to have it up after owning the URL for a year with nothing there.
I will continue to use to site for musings and other such things. I am working on Peace Out East right now, so look for the updates to get more frequent.
As a little treat, I will leave you with two videos for discussion.
The first is a fabulous YouTube creation called, Miss Cleo vs. Milan, this is outrageously funny and fantastic. I'm really digging the quotidian topic, the high phone bill from calling Miss Cleo, but really the fake Cazels are the star of this video....but that Theo Huxtable shirt is a close second.The gold teefs round out the top three.
Speaking of old school vibes, my boy Bryan alerted me to a lovely little bubble gum song, that is helping to renew my faith in age-appropriate hip hop. Lil' Mama's "Lip Gloss" is kinda the jam (shut up Loo Loo)! I mean, shouldn't a 17 year-old be rapping about school lip gloss (from Mac), her locker, anxiety about the cool crowd, her Yankees cap (Booooo, the Stankees suck, Mets baby!!!), and other such innocent topics? No gats, no drugs, no Courvoisier, no clubs, no Jags and rims, just kid stuff. Plus this little girl can rap, even if her subject matter is pretty silly. Check it out! Oh, but black people with light eyes scare the bejesus out of me! She looks like Bow-Wow's lil sister. Anyway, here's Lip Gloss. I can't figure out why she is grabbing her crotch so much. And why must black people always try to make our children grown, Lil Mama? Lil Man, etc,. Sigh, we've got problems, but at least we can sang and dance...
Hit me up with your comments: shante@shanteparadigm.com
One Love
I will continue to use to site for musings and other such things. I am working on Peace Out East right now, so look for the updates to get more frequent.
As a little treat, I will leave you with two videos for discussion.
The first is a fabulous YouTube creation called, Miss Cleo vs. Milan, this is outrageously funny and fantastic. I'm really digging the quotidian topic, the high phone bill from calling Miss Cleo, but really the fake Cazels are the star of this video....but that Theo Huxtable shirt is a close second.The gold teefs round out the top three.
Speaking of old school vibes, my boy Bryan alerted me to a lovely little bubble gum song, that is helping to renew my faith in age-appropriate hip hop. Lil' Mama's "Lip Gloss" is kinda the jam (shut up Loo Loo)! I mean, shouldn't a 17 year-old be rapping about school lip gloss (from Mac), her locker, anxiety about the cool crowd, her Yankees cap (Booooo, the Stankees suck, Mets baby!!!), and other such innocent topics? No gats, no drugs, no Courvoisier, no clubs, no Jags and rims, just kid stuff. Plus this little girl can rap, even if her subject matter is pretty silly. Check it out! Oh, but black people with light eyes scare the bejesus out of me! She looks like Bow-Wow's lil sister. Anyway, here's Lip Gloss. I can't figure out why she is grabbing her crotch so much. And why must black people always try to make our children grown, Lil Mama? Lil Man, etc,. Sigh, we've got problems, but at least we can sang and dance...
Hit me up with your comments: shante@shanteparadigm.com
One Love
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Spring Awakenings
Hey ya'll, Happy Spring and all that jazz. My good friend and fellow PhD candidate, Frank Leon Roberts, interviewed me for his blog, Brooklyn Boy Blues, which is just to the right as well, under Frank Leon Roberts in my Friends O' Paradigm section. I'm talking about the music scholarship side of my work. Let me know what you think.
This is the picture from the Princeton Event, I blogged about last time. From left to write, Larry D. Lyons, Dr. David Malebranche, Lynne d Johnson, Dr. Cornel West, et moi.
I was going on and on about how Princeton had their own water, see the bottom of the picture, until I recalled that NYU and Smith College do as well. Why do these schools need to bottle their own water and advertise themselves on school premises? Don't people who are already there, know where they are?
Also, exciting news: My good pal, Eric Pritchard let me know that Homegirls Make Some Noise! Hip Hop Feminist Anthology is out. It contains an article her wrote, "Sista Outsider: Queer Women of Color and Hip Hop," which interviews me, Jen Ro and Mz. Fontaine, as well as talking about Hanifah Walidah. check it out!
I have a show coming up in a few weeks. I'll be blogging about the details while on the road. I've got exams for school from April 12-24th, but will blog my little heart out after that.
SP
This is the picture from the Princeton Event, I blogged about last time. From left to write, Larry D. Lyons, Dr. David Malebranche, Lynne d Johnson, Dr. Cornel West, et moi.
I was going on and on about how Princeton had their own water, see the bottom of the picture, until I recalled that NYU and Smith College do as well. Why do these schools need to bottle their own water and advertise themselves on school premises? Don't people who are already there, know where they are? Also, exciting news: My good pal, Eric Pritchard let me know that Homegirls Make Some Noise! Hip Hop Feminist Anthology is out. It contains an article her wrote, "Sista Outsider: Queer Women of Color and Hip Hop," which interviews me, Jen Ro and Mz. Fontaine, as well as talking about Hanifah Walidah. check it out!
I have a show coming up in a few weeks. I'll be blogging about the details while on the road. I've got exams for school from April 12-24th, but will blog my little heart out after that.
SP
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